My Story

6 seasons of Scrubs in a couple of days have led me here to pen down some of my thoughts.

I am quite an indecisive wussy.

Then again, it must have been the car ride yesterday that got me thinking about all these.

(how much do you actually have to study to realise nothing is monocausal?)

Let's start with the ride, as everything starts from a ride.

On the car ride(not THE car ride) to lunch, I sat with 2 couples. The very fact that these are people whom I love and am totally comfortable with just eluded me. For the first time, I was thinking, what am I doing... alone?

Now I could comfort myself with the thought that somehow I am dearly loved by God. OR I could let go of an emotional crutch whom I mistook for God and considered how I am abusing His love by letting myself reach this point.

I didn't. Instead I texted PBK Rental Services(highly recommended! delivery right to your doorstep, excellent and friendly boss) and picked out the finest Skoda Superb available. THAT is the car ride that I'm talking about.

Fact is, I was extremely angry at my parents for not letting me have the car even though they're away for holidays. The most disturbing thing was that I never received the car keys nor heard anything from The Dad regarding this issue. Knowing that this matter will torture me mentally doesnt really change the age-old way we deal with our relationship.

Assuming the pseud0-parenting role of sending me sister back to her hall and purchasing her fund-raising pastry(in this case: mooncakes) somehow validated me and provided a bright moment in the extremely dark and deserted forests of Pulau NTU.

Then it struck me, I didn't need the car for anything! Not even to ferry my tired-ass back home from training. My disappointment came from the fact that me and The Dad are drifting further and further apart. It's one thing to have an argument every now and then, it's totally another matter to hear the disappointment of a loved one.

It's a startling moment when you see your reflection and couldn't help feeling disappointed at yourself.

After lunch I took a walk around Borders with the gang and found Tim Russert's book. While the rest left on to hang out, I reminisced the times Kelvin and I spent poring over books while enjoying each other's company. I was truly blessed with amazing prose written by the sons and daughters of wonderful parents, some living, some passed. In continuation with learning from the memory of dead people, the book can be represented by this excellent quote.

"When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years."
Mark Twain

I'm already 22. Why am I still feeling this way?

This is when Scrubs effectively summed up my life so far. J.D's character resembles mine as a neurotic, hyper-imaginative pansy who simply cannot make a decision/always making the wrong one.

Well, just who compares himself to a comedy character? That's right, an indecisive neurotic, hyper-imaginative pansy! In short, Bingxin.

Something is telling me to be brave and do what I have to do. It could be my imagination, it could be something more. I just have to let go of that crutch I call God and start to see who He really is to me.